Saturday, 30 June 2007

Full Moon

It must be the full moon! I used to grow hair all over my body, my teeth would become sharper, my nails would get longer, and I would get the overpowering taste for blood! Lately things have changed, though. No more long nails, no more hairs and teeth. If I could only get rid of this urge to draw blood when that white disc appears full in the evening skies! I am pissed off--or pissed, depending on which side of the big pond you are at! Annoyed with everything and nothing in particular. (I've behaved well, however, not snapping at the people around me who I know truly care).

Since turning 40 last February, I decided that there were issues in my life that needed to be fixed, and fast for that matter. I took pen to paper, drew up my list of goals, and decided that the time was right to concentrate on going for them. The line was drawn, and immediate action was needed to set things flowing in the direction I wanted them to go.

I've been single for all my life, eagerly wanting to start a family, and I've been working in a job that I hardly get any pleasure out of, underpaid and overworked as is the case with most jobs in Greece.

I sent an ultimatum type of message to my girlfriend, asking her to make her mind up as to what she was expecting out of our relationship. I tried to be as firm as I could without breaking her heart. Amazingly, she responded positively, and we have set the wheels turning for her to visit me here in Greece, to at least catch a glimpse of where I live, my friends and my family. We can then take it on from there.

Meanwhile, I decided to put a more serious effort in setting the wheels that will take me out of the shit hole I work at, spinning. I did! I did all the things in the book, to land another job. I'm not a dreamer expecting to find the perfect job, but there must be something out there that's better for me than this current daily disgrace. Well, if there is, I cannot find it!

Six months on, and I stand before you in the same damned place I was on the day of my 40th birthday! Talk about progress! " much for the golden future! I can't even start.."

That's why I'm pissed off! I get the feeling that life is overtaking me at such a rate that years from now I'll be at the same place, wanting the same things but getting the same results.

Sometimes I feel like letting everything go, vegetating in front of a TV, sunbathing on a beach, or sleeping for hours on end, hoping that this life will pass and I'll get another go as a frog, or a chicken or something. I get frustrated with myself for perhaps being that thick and/or blind not being able to identify other avenues to follow.

...and the need for blood remains! 'Till the next full moon...


HollyGL said...

Its a funny thing about ones 40th birthday. On mine, I decided to move away from the mountains - where I had lived for the better part of 19 years - to the big city. For some reason, that particular age "middle age" (God, that sounds awful) elicits from a lot of people the urge to strive for more before its too late.

Now, I am far from an expert on such things, but here is what I believe to be true: As incredibly difficult as it is, patience is a necessary part of allowing goals to manifest. You do what you need to do - resumes, getting the word out about what you're looking for -in a pragmatic sense; consistently envision exactly how your life will look when you have met all of these goals; express an intention for assistance spiritually (if that is in line with your belief system); and WAIT.

The waiting is by far the hardest part. But I do believe if you are able to do all of this, your life will begin to resemble what it is you want it to look like. And I, personally, have experienced it BECOMING exactly as I had envisioned it.

So there you have it, for what its worth. Take care. :)

The Real Mother Hen said...

Oh... if there is any comfort, many people that I know actually become very successful only after 50.
Hollygl said it very well there.

Epimenides said...

HollyGL, mother hen thank you for the encouragement. Patience is what I've been practicing for all tihs time. I'm actually good at it. It's just that some days, such as today, I get this overwhelming feeling that everything is going south!

Anonymous said...

Hey there.
I'm not quite at the 40 yet... but I believe that what Mother Hen and HollyGL said are really true. My hubby says it all the time. Patience is needed....timing is everything. Hang in there just a little bit more on the patience front... with things progressing on the relationship-side...I'm sure things'll fall into place quicker than you know it.

"Wolfgang" said...

I also agree with HollyGL. I'm not at 40 yet, but I'm close and I've been doing a massive re-evaluation project. I'm looking at leaving my job and possibly my house in the near future.

Those first steps are so difficult and frightening and things seem to go slowly until they seem to move all at once. Keep going and have faith that things will happen.

Epimenides said...

jyankee, wolfgang (nice name btw)I've already been through a drastic change in my life, dropping my expat job/life in general, and returning to this wonderfull place (at least it was thousands of years back) called Greece.
I am not scared, but frustrated of the time it takes to set things right.
Trully, concentrating on my girl (I like calling her that) gives me the most comforting feeling when things are not so good on the career front!

Amel's Realm said...

GOOD LUCK in everything you want to do, Epi!!! I can't comment much as I haven't reached that age yet, but no matter what I wish you ALL THE BEST. :-)))

Loz said...

Come Bastille Day I will be turning 50 and I am only now coming through the fog of the last 10 years. That is not meant to discourage you but I should point out that in that time I have had 4 very different careers and each and every one of them taught lessons that have made me a better person. Having said that though, it is only the past year when I have really begun to explore who i am. So I know your frustrations and may I offer this advice which I got from Don Miguel Ruiz's book "The Four Agreements" - Always do your best - but understand that some days your best is better than others. That has helped me overcome the sometimes depressive state that occurs when you feel things haven't gone as well as you expect them to.

Epimenides said...

Amel thank you for your kind words! :)

loz- That's an excellent quote!!! I'm generally not a pessimist, but it's just that sometimes the frustration piles up inside!

Anonymous said...

Man, I hear you and I suffer with you.

PS: I've had Breaking The Law and You've Got Another Thing Coming running through my head all weekend. Maybe it is the moon. :)

rp said...

Epi, I can completely relate to you on this! One of the first posts on my blog last July was on turning 40. It is such a huge time for reevaluation. Finding the job/career opportunity you are looking for is hard, no doubt. But the solace is in having done the work to know what you are looking for.

For me, I know I have to have a good job that I can do well. Beyond that, what I care most about is what happens when I am NOT at work. How am I doing? How is my son doing? Husband? My dearest friends? How can I be a better mother, wife, friend, me? Have I finally identified and evicted the demons? Have I taken charge of what I can, let go of what I can't? That is where I find my life most enriched.

And the day I stop howling at the moon, please, shoot me!!

Epimenides said...

I agree with you rp. There's more to life than work. My problem is enjoying life as much as would like to, spending about 12hrs a day doing something I don't like, for a company I don't like!!!

rp said...

I agree that 12 hours a day is

a: too damned long be at work period;
b: waayyyy to long to do anything you hate doing!!!

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