Monday, 18 June 2007

A bar of gold?

No, today's issue is not about investments. It's about more down-to-earth issues, or, depending on the mood, up-in-the-sky.

What the heck is he on about, I hear you think. (I've got this knack, too, but that's a different subject altogether).

What I am talking about is a survey. Yes, a survey that I found from reading Holly's blog. It is on a site called human for sale, where you enter figures and they calculate your worth.

I took the survey, ok, but there is a question which I found very complicated in answering.

The question reads: "How big is your penis" and has a selection of numbers from 3 to 10 inches.

Instinctively reaching for the measuring tape, I realised that there is a number of problems that needed to be addressed here. Educated as a Chemist, I find that the matter of measurements is not one to be taken lightly. Accuracy is of the essence!

To provide the accurate response, dear surveyors, I need some further information:
  1. Which measurement are we referring to?
    Length, diameter, circumference? Well, the answer to this is pretty straight forward, I suspect, since the question is addressed to humans.

  2. What are the ambient conditions that should prevail during this measurement?
    It is a well known fact that ambient temperature greatly influences the size of the subject in question! Further more, contact with water tends to also have adverse effects in the accuracy of the experiment.

  3. What mood should the owner of the subject be in?
    Not to wanting to put too fine point to it - there is a pun in there, I'm sure - mood also influences this particular measurement. Consider the words of Adam when he first saw Eve: "Stand back! I don't know how long this thing can get!"

  4. What state should the owner be in when measuring?
    Is it expected that the owner takes some "preliminary action" prior to measuring?
    Is the measurement expected to be taken in the morning or evening hours?
    Is the owner expected to carry out the measurement while surfing the net (if so please indicate suitable sites), or at his own leisure?
    Before watching Drama or Comedy on TV?

(In the list above it is assumed that the person carrying out the measurements is the owner of the "subject" being measured, otherwise measurements could go completely off scale).

Why the fuss, you ask. Potential purchasers could be ripped off tens of thousands of dollars for a couple of inches!

Well, as I said I DID take the survey answering ALL questions, and my worth is in the region of $1.8 - $1.9 million! (And NO I did not lie in this particular question)!
I find it appropriate at this juncture to close with one of my favourite Elephant jokes:
What did the elephant say to Adam when he first saw him in the Garden of Eden?
"Dude, how can you eat with that thing?"


The Real Mother Hen said...

This is funny :) and you're IMPRESSIVE *wink* *wink* haha :)

Michelle said...

That was so funny, and the elephant joke really was the perfect finale. :-))

Epimenides said...

Oh ladies please stop! You're making me blush!

Anonymous said...

Damn, I keep telling everyone not to fill out the forms on that site. They make it look like fun and games but when that white van pulls up and the burly men get out...well, don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

I heard a lady on the radio saying that you should always measure from the bottom because it gives you an extra inch or two. I don't know how this is useful but I figure I'll throw it out there anyway.

Enjoy your 1.9 mil buddy! BTW, what is that after taxes?

Michelle said...

I did the quiz

They ask some really weird questions!!And I'm only worth $1,053,044

Scored zero on height (as in total lack of) and zero on being left-handed (righty bigots!!)

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