Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Elemental Chemistry 101

HOMME
A Chemical Analysis
Element: Man

Symbol: Ma


Discoverer: God


Atomic Weight: Accepted as 150 but is known to vary from 125 to 300.


Occurrence: Usually found in close proximity to alcohol.


Physical Properties:
  1. Surface often rough, although can be made smooth if deemed necessary.
  2. Found in various states but rarely pure.
  3. Non-magnetic.
  4. Appears to be repelled by any quantity of coin.
  5. Very strong attraction to fast cars and bikes.
  6. Low melting and boiling points, hence often unstable.
  7. Physical size prone to change - see chemical properties

Uses: None

Chemical Properties:

  1. Able to absorb vast quantities of alcohol, although saturation can have disastrous effects on reactivity.
  2. Shrinks in contact with cold water.
  3. Highly volatile if left alone with a female.
  4. Specimen not affected by light, although often more reactive in the dark.
  5. Often prone to gross exaggeration.

Tests:

  1. No test yet devised for purity.
  2. Turns yellow if placed beside a bigger specimen.

Caution:

  1. Larger specimens should be treated with extreme care.
  2. Smaller specimens should be treated with sympathy.






FEMME
A Chemical Analysis

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 to 160.

Occurrences: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
  1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
  2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason.
  3. Melts if given proper treatment.
  4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
  5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
  6. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins and sports cars.

Uses:

  1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
  2. Most powerful money-reducing agent known.
  3. Can be great aid to relaxation.

Chemical Properties:

  1. Possesses great affixity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
  2. Able to absorb great quantities of excessive sustenance.
  3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
  4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
  5. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
  6. Leaves red deposit to china and cigarettes.

Tests:

  1. Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in natural state.
  2. Turns green if placed beside better specimen.

Caution:

  1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, and must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
  2. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

- Manchester and Salford Students' rag mag 1988

14 comments:

JYankee said...

EPI,

Great post...a bit borderline perhaps but ROFL! Certainly true...maybe...

Blur Ting said...

This is so cool, esp
Physical size prone to change, Larger specimens should be treated with extreme care.
Smaller specimens should be treated with sympathy.

That's so funny!

David said...

Love it! I like to think that if you apply enough alcohol even the purest of 'em becomes common ore. ;)

Epimenides said...

jyankee, thank you! What is ROFL? :)

Ting- my favourite part is the "Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore". Hehehe... :)

David, you are a true scientist (researcher, should I say)! Excellent observation! ;)

Blur Ting said...

Oh gee, men...they all think alike.

ROFL - Roll on floor laughing (learned from my son)

The Real Mother Hen said...

EPI you made me laugh so hard! :) Dude now you can't tell me you don't understand women, yeah will never ever trust you in that department!

rp said...

Being absolutely pure, temperate, and never beside a better specimen, I have no idea what you are talking about ;) However, bitter from being ill used, now THAT I have seen.

Shrinking in cold water...that's funny!

Epimenides said...

Ting, is your comment about men, something like "great minds think alike"? lol ;)

Trust me mother hen, women can defy all the laws of chemistry! :)

I know rp, I used to be conceited once, but now I'm perfect! Hahaha...

Amel's Realm said...

HA HA HA HA...SUCH a FUNNY post!!! ;-D Oh dear!!!

Epimenides said...

Thanks Amel! :)

rp said...

Have I mentioned I don't wear any makeup? That part is the God's truth. So, no red deposits from this girl. Oh, and got my conceit from my Dad.

Sam said...

Are you still alive after this post? Just checking!

Epimenides said...

It was a close shave Sam, but I'm still here! ;)

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