That was the week that was

Fourteen days without break, and I have the Sunday off! Fourteen really long and eventful days, that, come Monday are sure to be followed by more of the same.
I am tired, angry and frustrated that somebody is using my staff and I as beta testers and Guinea pigs for a stupid, pointless project while ruining three years' worth of hard work of organising a department to virtually run itself.
The "brain" - and I use the term loosely - behind the project, even had the audacity to complain about my staff's performance and adaptability to me. I didn't dignify him with a response - which would probably have been the Greek equivalent of a torrent of four letter words - and instead opted to give a piece of my mind to my boss the following day. As they say about people of my size: "Good things come in small packages, but so do potent poisons"!
You do not destroy something functional because you cannot carry out basic project planning and because you want somebody else to do all the hard work for you, and then turn around and insult them! It just isn't on!
I have good relations with all of my staff, and I'm actually proud of their work, development and effort! No, incompetent ass, no matter how far up the "food chain" will be allowed to speak a bad word for them, and expect to get away with it. I am a vengeful sod, and I'm in the process of gathering information for a detailed report to the MD about this sorry excuse of a project.
Why then do I commit myself into this work so much as to sacrifice my personal time on it? It's not because of job security purposes, I can ensure you. I can stay without work for a number of years, during which time I'll surely encounter something better. It's not because I'm expecting comments of gratitude and appreciation from this lot. It's simply because I don't like seeing three years of hard work crumble to pieces in a fortnight! Most importantly, I cannot sit there and watch a perfectly good team of people being used as pawns in some moron's project wet dream!
I know I am ranting and raving - perhaps not even making any sense - and you don't deserve to be reading this crap. I just need to vent out the frustration of the past few days.
This blog, however, is dedicated to at least providing a smile on the face of the people reading it. Judging by the ladies' comments on my previous post, there is quite an interest in jokes about guy's "members" - for need of better expression - so I hope you enjoy what follows below.

A guy walks into the Gents' and notices a rather tanned gentleman standing next to him bearing a huge "dingaling"."I wish mine could be as long as that" said the man, unable to hide his admiration."No problem", said the coloured gentleman. "All you have to do is tie a bit of string to a brick, tie the other end to your willy, and walk with it dangling between your legs for a week".The next week they meet up in the same toilet in the same bar."That treatment of your is fantastic. Look!" he said pointing at his willy. "It's already turned black!"

Two guys are enjoying a beer at the bar.

Noticing a dog, lying on the floor, licking it's genitals, one guy says to the other:

"Oh! How I wish I could do that!"

"Give him a couple of biscuits and perhaps he'll let you"

Stavros

It's been a long 14 hour day and I just got in from work. I am too tired to post anything serious tonight - as if I ever do - but I'll share with you a joke I heared today.
This Greek guy full of himself, lets call him Stavros, takes his wife to the maternity clinic to give birth. He is a scruffy looking kinda guy, with a long moustache, sideburns, and greasy hair. He is wearing a shirt with only one button done, at the level of his belly button, a large belly, bearing a hairy chest and a large cross hanging from his neck on a large golden chain.
His wife is taken to the operating theater - or whatever it is called - and soon after the doctor comes out to speak to Stavros.
Doctor - "Your wife is expecting triplets, sir!"
Stavros proudly responds - " Well, of course doc! With Stavros' tool being as big as a hosepipe, what did you expect? And I bet you they are all going to be boys!!!"
The doctor, in shock from Stavros's answer, shakes his head and goes back to attend to his wife.
A couple of minutes later he comes back outside.
Doctor - "What do you know! The first one is a healthy boy!"
Stavros proudly responds - "I told you doc! With Stavros' tool being as big as a hosepipe, what did you expect? And I bet you the two are going to be boys, too!"
Shocked again the doctor returns to the theater.
He emerges a couple of minutes later.
Doctor - "The second is a boy, too!"
Stavros proudly responds - "I told you doc! With Stavros' tool being as big as a hosepipe, what did you expect? I'm sure the third is male, too!"
Once again, the doctor returns to the theater, shocked with this crude guy.
Comes back outside for the third time.
Doctor - "The third one is a boy as well!"
Stavros proudly responds - "I told you doc! With Stavros' tool being as big as a hosepipe, what did you expect?"
Annoyed by now with Stavros's cockiness, the doctor responds.
"Well, my dear friend Stavros, it's high time you started cleaning your hosepipe because all three boys have come out black!"

Elemental Chemistry 101

HOMME

A Chemical Analysis

Element: Man

Symbol: Ma


Discoverer: God


Atomic Weight: Accepted as 150 but is known to vary from 125 to 300.


Occurrence: Usually found in close proximity to alcohol.


Physical Properties:

1. Surface often rough, although can be made smooth if deemed necessary.
2. Found in various states but rarely pure.
3. Non-magnetic.
4. Appears to be repelled by any quantity of coin.
5. Very strong attraction to fast cars and bikes.
6. Low melting and boiling points, hence often unstable.
7. Physical size prone to change - see chemical properties

Uses: None

Chemical Properties:

1. Able to absorb vast quantities of alcohol, although saturation can have disastrous effects on reactivity.
2. Shrinks in contact with cold water.
3. Highly volatile if left alone with a female.
4. Specimen not affected by light, although often more reactive in the dark.
5. Often prone to gross exaggeration.

Tests:

1. No test yet devised for purity.
2. Turns yellow if placed beside a bigger specimen.

Caution:

1. Larger specimens should be treated with extreme care.
2. Smaller specimens should be treated with sympathy.

FEMME

A Chemical Analysis

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 to 160.

Occurrences: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given proper treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins and sports cars.

Uses:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Most powerful money-reducing agent known.
3. Can be great aid to relaxation.

Chemical Properties:

1. Possesses great affixity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Able to absorb great quantities of excessive sustenance.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
6. Leaves red deposit to china and cigarettes.

Tests:

1. Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green if placed beside better specimen.

Caution:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, and must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
2. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

- Manchester and Salford Students' rag mag 1988

Discoveries of Man and Woman

Man discovered COLOURS and created PAINTING

Woman discovered PAINTING and created MAKE-UP

Man discovered WORDS and created CONVERSATION.


Woman discovered CONVERSATION and created GOSSIP.

Man discovered PLAYING and created CARDS.

Woman discovered CARDS and created TAROT.

Man discovered the EARTH and created FOOD
Woman discovered FOOD and created DIETS
Man discovered FEELINGS and created LOVE
Woman discovered LOVE and created MARRIAGE
Man discovered WOMAN and created SEX
Woman discovered SEX and created HEADACHE
Man discovered TRADE and created MONEY
Woman discovered MONEY and...
fucked everything up!!!!!!



Ladies please be lenient and consider that the above is only a joke! Further more, please take into consideration all the time and effort put into placing all these GIF's into place (and they still don't seem to function!).

A bar of gold?

No, today's issue is not about investments. It's about more down-to-earth issues, or, depending on the mood, up-in-the-sky.

What the heck is he on about, I hear you think. (I've got this knack, too, but that's a different subject altogether).

What I am talking about is a survey. Yes, a survey that I found from reading Holly's blog. It is on a site called human for sale, where you enter figures and they calculate your worth.

I took the survey, ok, but there is a question which I found very complicated in answering.

The question reads: "How big is your penis" and has a selection of numbers from 3 to 10 inches.

Instinctively reaching for the measuring tape, I realised that there is a number of problems that needed to be addressed here. Educated as a Chemist, I find that the matter of measurements is not one to be taken lightly. Accuracy is of the essence!

To provide the accurate response, dear surveyors, I need some further information:

1. Which measurement are we referring to?
   Length, diameter, circumference? Well, the answer to this is pretty straight forward, I suspect, since the question is addressed to humans.


2. What are the ambient conditions that should prevail during this measurement?
   It is a well known fact that ambient temperature greatly influences the size of the subject in question! Further more, contact with water tends to also have adverse effects in the accuracy of the experiment.


3. What mood should the owner of the subject be in?
   Not to wanting to put too fine point to it - there is a pun in there, I'm sure - mood also influences this particular measurement. Consider the words of Adam when he first saw Eve: "Stand back! I don't know how long this thing can get!"


4. What state should the owner be in when measuring?
   Is it expected that the owner takes some "preliminary action" prior to measuring?
   Is the measurement expected to be taken in the morning or evening hours?
   Is the owner expected to carry out the measurement while surfing the net (if so please indicate suitable sites), or at his own leisure?
   Before watching Drama or Comedy on TV?
   

(In the list above it is assumed that the person carrying out the measurements is the owner of the "subject" being measured, otherwise measurements could go completely off scale).

Why the fuss, you ask. Potential purchasers could be ripped off tens of thousands of dollars for a couple of inches!

Well, as I said I DID take the survey answering ALL questions, and my worth is in the region of $1.8 - $1.9 million! (And NO I did not lie in this particular question)!

I find it appropriate at this juncture to close with one of my favourite Elephant jokes:

What did the elephant say to Adam when he first saw him in the Garden of Eden?

"Dude, how can you eat with that thing?"